good evening all..and welcome to another episode of masterpiece theater..umm..errrr..what? come now..you know i would never subject you..my cherished readers..to such rubbish..but while we're on the subject..why oh WHY do the english insist on spelling words like "theater" and "center" with an -re instead of an -er..and don't even get me STARTED on that -our crap. say it with me QE2: fav-OR-ite..col-OR. you can do it ol' gal! for serious though..just because the language is named after that little country of theirs doesn't mean they can forgo any and all simple rules of spelling and grammar..but i digress. i guess it's like that whole tootsie pop licking deal: the world may never know. but if by chance it asks..those limey bastards can kiss me arse..o fo sho.
moving right along into our regularly scheduled idiocy..i have a friend named jeff houle (pronounced hoooooooooooool..be sure to enunciate each individual O). after spending an OBSCENE amount of time confined in the civic with him this weekend..i can say with 97.64 percent accuracy that he is quite possibly one of the best people i have ever met, talked to, or inappropriately felt up on in my entire life. there are so many things about the wonder that is jeff that i've come to know and love..and god dammit..these are things that you too should have the opportunity to experience as well. ladies, gentlemen and 3-toed sloths worldwide, i bestow upon you with great flourish: 10 THINGS (or however many i can think of) THAT I HEART ABOUT JEFF HOULE.
#1. THE SMILE: i swear to the buddy christ that this boy could be wearing a burlap sack, striped legwarmers, and a paisley-print neckerchief and he would still look like about 7585863475864357464 bucks because of his pearly, pearly whites. even after a heinous accident involving alcohol, a telephone, and a slipperoo off his place of slumber..he's STILL recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists and unanimously approved by the american dental association.
#2. HE'S A TOOL: jeff is not a tool in the derogatory sense (see prick, asshole, et al)..but he did fix a shelf for me once..with a hammer. so technically he is a tool afficionado..a toolman if you will..a regular tim taylor minus the bearded, flannel wearing sidekick. did you know that he built his own shed? well he did..with lots of tools..some even battery operated. better snatch him up fast ladies..he's the catch of the day!
#3. CONSTANT DENIAL OF HIS WHITENESS: regardless of what he may tell you, jeff houle is pretty damn white. but do you think that he lets a little thing like enthnicity doesn't get him down? HELLLLLLLLLLS no! he wears his pants so low that everyone knows what color undies he's sportin' that day (i think they were gray boxer briefs today..), his favorite movie is "baby boy," and he describes any song or band that doesn't mention slapping bitches or bustin' caps as "cracker music." and if we ever get married he suggested that our wedding song be "we right here" by dmx. yeah..i'm not playin'.
#4. S.B's: s.b's are both snuggle buddies and sweater buddies. although we have never officially tested these waters, jeff and i have agreed on several occasions that we would be good snuggle buddies (just sleeping..get your mind out of the gutter!) because we don't hog the entire bed, snore, or steal blankets like some people do. we also don't have bed-wetting tendencies..anymore. sweater buddies was created one night when we both wore similar sweaters to a party one night. of COURSE he looked better in his than i did in mine..grrrRRRRR way to show me up dude! i must, i must, i must increase my bust..
#5. HIS "ROYAL" ALTER-EGO: here's the scenario..it's a friday night and you have plans with a group of your friends..and one of these friends is jeff. the estimated time of departure for the evening's festivities is 8pm..but because of jeff's obsessive primping and grooming routine, you don't get out the door until roughly 1:45am. these beautification methods of epic proportions have earned jeff the title of "princess jeff" and are known far and wide by many of his royal subjects. tiara rentals available by appointment only.
#6. METAPHORICAL REFERENCES INVOLVING CHEESE: while cheese may be just a common deli topping to most people..jeff wields this lactose-infused wonder product in other astonishing ways. case in point: my sarcasm. i was once told that my weapon of choice loses its edge as the hours go by. jeff begs to differ, insisting that my wit is "sharp like the finest cheddar at any hour." if anyone else can come up with a simile of equal caliber i'd sure like to hear it..
#7. PSYCHIC TENDENCIES: when i informed mr. houle that i was going to make a top 10 list about him..he said there was no way that i would be able to come up with the intended number of items on my list. he was right. excuse me while i bow down.
..renting princess jeff's tiara for the weekend,
lex
moving right along into our regularly scheduled idiocy..i have a friend named jeff houle (pronounced hoooooooooooool..be sure to enunciate each individual O). after spending an OBSCENE amount of time confined in the civic with him this weekend..i can say with 97.64 percent accuracy that he is quite possibly one of the best people i have ever met, talked to, or inappropriately felt up on in my entire life. there are so many things about the wonder that is jeff that i've come to know and love..and god dammit..these are things that you too should have the opportunity to experience as well. ladies, gentlemen and 3-toed sloths worldwide, i bestow upon you with great flourish: 10 THINGS (or however many i can think of) THAT I HEART ABOUT JEFF HOULE.
#1. THE SMILE: i swear to the buddy christ that this boy could be wearing a burlap sack, striped legwarmers, and a paisley-print neckerchief and he would still look like about 7585863475864357464 bucks because of his pearly, pearly whites. even after a heinous accident involving alcohol, a telephone, and a slipperoo off his place of slumber..he's STILL recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists and unanimously approved by the american dental association.
#2. HE'S A TOOL: jeff is not a tool in the derogatory sense (see prick, asshole, et al)..but he did fix a shelf for me once..with a hammer. so technically he is a tool afficionado..a toolman if you will..a regular tim taylor minus the bearded, flannel wearing sidekick. did you know that he built his own shed? well he did..with lots of tools..some even battery operated. better snatch him up fast ladies..he's the catch of the day!
#3. CONSTANT DENIAL OF HIS WHITENESS: regardless of what he may tell you, jeff houle is pretty damn white. but do you think that he lets a little thing like enthnicity doesn't get him down? HELLLLLLLLLLS no! he wears his pants so low that everyone knows what color undies he's sportin' that day (i think they were gray boxer briefs today..), his favorite movie is "baby boy," and he describes any song or band that doesn't mention slapping bitches or bustin' caps as "cracker music." and if we ever get married he suggested that our wedding song be "we right here" by dmx. yeah..i'm not playin'.
#4. S.B's: s.b's are both snuggle buddies and sweater buddies. although we have never officially tested these waters, jeff and i have agreed on several occasions that we would be good snuggle buddies (just sleeping..get your mind out of the gutter!) because we don't hog the entire bed, snore, or steal blankets like some people do. we also don't have bed-wetting tendencies..anymore. sweater buddies was created one night when we both wore similar sweaters to a party one night. of COURSE he looked better in his than i did in mine..grrrRRRRR way to show me up dude! i must, i must, i must increase my bust..
#5. HIS "ROYAL" ALTER-EGO: here's the scenario..it's a friday night and you have plans with a group of your friends..and one of these friends is jeff. the estimated time of departure for the evening's festivities is 8pm..but because of jeff's obsessive primping and grooming routine, you don't get out the door until roughly 1:45am. these beautification methods of epic proportions have earned jeff the title of "princess jeff" and are known far and wide by many of his royal subjects. tiara rentals available by appointment only.
#6. METAPHORICAL REFERENCES INVOLVING CHEESE: while cheese may be just a common deli topping to most people..jeff wields this lactose-infused wonder product in other astonishing ways. case in point: my sarcasm. i was once told that my weapon of choice loses its edge as the hours go by. jeff begs to differ, insisting that my wit is "sharp like the finest cheddar at any hour." if anyone else can come up with a simile of equal caliber i'd sure like to hear it..
#7. PSYCHIC TENDENCIES: when i informed mr. houle that i was going to make a top 10 list about him..he said there was no way that i would be able to come up with the intended number of items on my list. he was right. excuse me while i bow down.
..renting princess jeff's tiara for the weekend,
lex
No comments:
Post a Comment