more things that make me feel pukey.

usually i'm not a big fan of pity parties. the lighting is bad, the food usually sucks (more on that later), and the atmosphere..well..people just seem like they'd rather be doing something..ANYTHING..else (sponge baths to the elderly come to mind for some reason..bygones). however..when your friends are the shit (aka don't smell and give you presents for no good reason other than the fact that they looooOOOOOve you unconditionally)..i say bring these parties on. to the remaining two-thirds of that crazy cult they call "triple A": you know how to cheer me up even when there is no misfortune of others in sight to cackle at..hearts! ps..you are both gayer than christmas.

i would also like to retract a statement from the previous entry that said oversized cards touted MAJOR vomit-potential. that is only true when there is no talk of my enviable abs and pantene pro-v commercial worthy strands or pictures of delicious boys in silk boxers. period.

so HOORAY for me..for i managed to escape v-day unscathed (maybe with an added 45874857094 calories or so and with a BONUS headcold *sniffle sniffle a-chooooOOO*..but who's counting?). quality time with mike weird-last-name over a seemingly endless box o' pizza and numerous cans of busch..oh sweet nectar of the gods (insert bitter beer face here). it's amazing how well two people can get along when their significant others are either in spain or invisible (guess which one is my love slave..shan't be too hard). at least moms sent me some yum-yum-yummy jelly bellys to suppress any and all urges to maintain a semi-normal eating routine. word to the (not-so) wise though: confusing cinnamon with very cherry is potentially lethal to your taste buds. rapid hand flapping and uncontrollable watering of the eyes will most likely ensue.

speaking of unpleasant tastes in my mouth..i'm so sick of uconn food. it's bad enough that you can actually see the laxatives stewing around in puddles atop most entrees, but the food itself (though supposedly prepared by professional culinary wizards, or as i realistically refer to as those who have passed "how to operate an ez-bake oven for dummies 101") is usually something that i wouldn't even subject my dog to eat (he's a ball of fur with principles and sophisticated tastes, after all). seriously..had i gotten sick last night, the thought of seeing the same slop i involuntarily consumed several hours earlier, arroz con pollo in reverse mind you, would have done some irreversible damage to my fragile psyche. aaaaaand scene.

..jonesing for some good chow and an economy-size box o' kleenex,
lex

this one goes out to all y'all.

note to all you obsessive freaks constantly checking this for an update: now is the time to escort children and elderly persons away from the computer in preparation for a bout with my pent-up, revere-style ghettoness. ready? ok..BACKUPOFFME..yo! i well aware that i've been one lazy mofo with the entries as of late..but between getting repeatedly plowed in the ass by each and every one of my classes, staying faithful to my television commitments (prime-time waits for NO ONE!) and sponsoring 8345876 starving children in ecuador (haha just kidding..y'all know i hate kids), i've been what the spaniards call "mucho too-busy-for-you-o". that's my story and i'm stickin' to it. any further comments should be immediately forwarded to shutupyousuck@eatmyass.org.

before we get into any current events and other assorted pressing issues (i.e., war, economics, my sweet, sweet ass..), i just want to give some people/places/inanimate objects the props that are rightfully theirs: JEFF FARREN for picking up right where we left off many, many moons ago..you are still one funny bastard and i miss you quite much..tear!, JESSE ALEXANDER "THE GREAT" for making me giggle like a schoolgirl whilst hearing his escapades of epic (and ethnic) proportions in the wonderful (?) world of engineering, DEVEN JESUS SMITH-CLARKE for making it perfectly acceptable to include children, en fuego, in any and all works of literature, THE AMAZING JOHN RAUS for spreading the good word that is my acid-tongued social commentary to the good folks up at the cross, JA REMS for having the uncanny ability to make the dance floor his bitch all night long, JOE MILLIONAIRE for being a massive tool and continuing his i-can't-help-but-watch-15-minutes-of-fame-reality-crapfest for yet another week, FRUIT SNACKS for being so deliciously addictive, and THE CREATORS OF CLONE HIGH USA for producing the most hysterical show circulating the airwaves at the moment (talking peanuts, dinghies galore, and robots who go "bee-boo-beep" and call everyone "wesleeeeeeeey"..how can you go wrong?!). i would also like to thank J. ANDREA MARTINEZ for tackling me terry tate-style into a seemingly bottomless snowbank and almost breaking my tailbone 2 days ago. seriously ang..i really would like to thank you..but that's not an option, given the fact that i would like nothing more than to downsize your face with a shovel as punishment for your erratic actions. with regards..

if you haven't noticed, valentine's day and all of its plastic, commercialized glory is upon us. flowers and candy and an oversized card that says "i wuv you thiiiiiiiiis much"..for MOI? sorry sally/jesse/raphael..i don't think so. hey you in the back..yeah you with the hairy knuckles and backwards toupee..if it's not too much trouble can you hand me a garbage can so i can blow some serious chunks? thanks ma'am..much appreciated..you're a doll. i mean if you gots someone to love then by ALL MEANS love them..all night long..over and over and over again (ps..i hate you and wish numerous venereal diseases upon you and yours)..but my plans for the evening will most likely involve me sitting around in my purple paul frank underoos and inhaling an entire pizza all by myself. mama would be so proud..i always was quite the little glutton (if you haven't seen my baby picture where i look like slimer covered in brownish mush with no plate in sight, just let me know and i'll send it your way..because i think it's pretty obvious at this point that i haven't a single, solitary shred of shame left..so BRING IT)!

i am a nice gal..unless poked, prodded, or spoken to on a day ending in "y". you give me what i want and you don't end up looking like the chump that you probably are for all to see. that being said..if by any chance your name is wayne and you are a delivery guy from wings..i am going to deliver (free of charge!) some crazy bruce lee moves to your cranium if we ever meet. this waste of space had the nerve to accuse me..ME..of screwing up all of his deliveries when in actuality all i did was answer a ringing phone and school him on the differences between "hall" and "inn" (hall = where his minimum-wage-making-tips-encouraged ass should be..inn = where his incompetent-no-way-in-hell-are-you-getting-paid keister could then be found) curb the 'tude dude..or i'll curb your face. ummmm..yeah. you've been warned.

one final note..what the FUCK with this never ending deluge of snow?! this is THE reason why i am moving to fiji to pursue a lucrative career in spear-fishing with the help of my uconn journalism degree. plus..if you had the excuse to wear a snazzy loincloth and coconut bra on any day other than casual friday you know you'd be all over it too..

..waiting for the excuse to kick some ass,
lex

definitely not sushi-grade.

ever since i was little, there has almost always been some kind of pet in my house. whether it was a big, dumb, loveable mutt, a schitzo cat that is constantly trying to escape, a silly spitz who likes to terrorize the laundry pile, or the most boring turtle on the planet..there was always something to play with when i wasn't too busy making my siblings' lives a living hell (what are older sisters FOR after all?).

now that i'm at school with nothing to comfort me but my computer and cat-dog (yeah..i need a boyfriend..REAL bad) i tend to get rather bored. then it hit me (cue lightbulb over my head): i'll get a fish! enter fluffy guy mattera..a cool little fish with an enormous head. SURE he was slimy to the touch and had the potential to develop somewhat of an odor..at least it was something to amuse me from time to time. the key word here is was..because the damn thing DIED like 3 hours after i got it. he was all belly up in his little jar this morning..and come to think of it..he looked extra dead..like he was rubbing it in my face that i was a horrible mother or something (on a side note: i am now discouraged from spawning offspring..until forever). he should have just eaten his food like a big boy and maybe..just maybe the little bugger would still be a-flippin' and a-floppin'..still not knowing what the hell was going on. OH the good ol' day! that's the first and last time i trust wal-mart to sell me a quality product. rip fluffy guy..we barely knew yee..

as if that unfortunate loss wasn't enough (give me 3 to 5 days to recover..or 3 to 5 beers to dull the pain..whichever you prefer)..uconn parking services finally outfoxed me (don't worry..i didn't think it could be done either..gold star for them). in the middle of sociology today i screamed out (and by screamed i clearly mean loudly whispered in a voice that would have made felicity, noel, AND ben proud) "ahhhhh SHIT!"..remembering that i had forgotten to move my car from the lot near my building..the lot restricted for professors, RAs, and of course any and all visiting dignitaries..not me though..NEVER ME! *cue violins and one lone tear on my left cheek* them uconn officers..they're VULTURES i tell you! the time on that ticket was 6:16..A.M! i was still doin some serious sleepies (quality dream by the way..i got some action..and if you know of my current drought at all you can be CERTAIN that it was indeed a dream..grr). all this time i thought the po po was all about coffee and donuts..but they are really just out for blood..and a little cash too i guess. oh i'll get you fake police..and your little computerized ticket writer too..whahahahaha!

for some reason i thought that last comment would read in a maniacally threatening way. i was wrong. i sounded like the big dork that i am. oh..the humanity..

one final note before i go on my merry way: just because i did a top 10 (ok..top 7) list about jeff houle DOES NOT MEAN that i can do one for everyone who asks! you hearin' me, ese? and THAT regis..is my *final* answer..

..in need of a hug,
lex

*final is so permanent. how about you give me $6.87, a bag of gummi bears, and a lap dance by a midget dressed as a unicorn and we have ourselves a deal? i'm sure we can work something out..i'm flexible (in business negotiations of course..but let your imagination go for a second..ok stop)..

letterman gots nuthin' on me.

good evening all..and welcome to another episode of masterpiece theater..umm..errrr..what? come now..you know i would never subject you..my cherished readers..to such rubbish..but while we're on the subject..why oh WHY do the english insist on spelling words like "theater" and "center" with an -re instead of an -er..and don't even get me STARTED on that -our crap. say it with me QE2: fav-OR-ite..col-OR. you can do it ol' gal! for serious though..just because the language is named after that little country of theirs doesn't mean they can forgo any and all simple rules of spelling and grammar..but i digress. i guess it's like that whole tootsie pop licking deal: the world may never know. but if by chance it asks..those limey bastards can kiss me arse..o fo sho.

moving right along into our regularly scheduled idiocy..i have a friend named jeff houle (pronounced hoooooooooooool..be sure to enunciate each individual O). after spending an OBSCENE amount of time confined in the civic with him this weekend..i can say with 97.64 percent accuracy that he is quite possibly one of the best people i have ever met, talked to, or inappropriately felt up on in my entire life. there are so many things about the wonder that is jeff that i've come to know and love..and god dammit..these are things that you too should have the opportunity to experience as well. ladies, gentlemen and 3-toed sloths worldwide, i bestow upon you with great flourish: 10 THINGS (or however many i can think of) THAT I HEART ABOUT JEFF HOULE.

#1. THE SMILE: i swear to the buddy christ that this boy could be wearing a burlap sack, striped legwarmers, and a paisley-print neckerchief and he would still look like about 7585863475864357464 bucks because of his pearly, pearly whites. even after a heinous accident involving alcohol, a telephone, and a slipperoo off his place of slumber..he's STILL recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists and unanimously approved by the american dental association.

#2. HE'S A TOOL: jeff is not a tool in the derogatory sense (see prick, asshole, et al)..but he did fix a shelf for me once..with a hammer. so technically he is a tool afficionado..a toolman if you will..a regular tim taylor minus the bearded, flannel wearing sidekick. did you know that he built his own shed? well he did..with lots of tools..some even battery operated. better snatch him up fast ladies..he's the catch of the day!

#3. CONSTANT DENIAL OF HIS WHITENESS: regardless of what he may tell you, jeff houle is pretty damn white. but do you think that he lets a little thing like enthnicity doesn't get him down? HELLLLLLLLLLS no! he wears his pants so low that everyone knows what color undies he's sportin' that day (i think they were gray boxer briefs today..), his favorite movie is "baby boy," and he describes any song or band that doesn't mention slapping bitches or bustin' caps as "cracker music." and if we ever get married he suggested that our wedding song be "we right here" by dmx. yeah..i'm not playin'.

#4. S.B's: s.b's are both snuggle buddies and sweater buddies. although we have never officially tested these waters, jeff and i have agreed on several occasions that we would be good snuggle buddies (just sleeping..get your mind out of the gutter!) because we don't hog the entire bed, snore, or steal blankets like some people do. we also don't have bed-wetting tendencies..anymore. sweater buddies was created one night when we both wore similar sweaters to a party one night. of COURSE he looked better in his than i did in mine..grrrRRRRR way to show me up dude! i must, i must, i must increase my bust..

#5. HIS "ROYAL" ALTER-EGO: here's the scenario..it's a friday night and you have plans with a group of your friends..and one of these friends is jeff. the estimated time of departure for the evening's festivities is 8pm..but because of jeff's obsessive primping and grooming routine, you don't get out the door until roughly 1:45am. these beautification methods of epic proportions have earned jeff the title of "princess jeff" and are known far and wide by many of his royal subjects. tiara rentals available by appointment only.

#6. METAPHORICAL REFERENCES INVOLVING CHEESE: while cheese may be just a common deli topping to most people..jeff wields this lactose-infused wonder product in other astonishing ways. case in point: my sarcasm. i was once told that my weapon of choice loses its edge as the hours go by. jeff begs to differ, insisting that my wit is "sharp like the finest cheddar at any hour." if anyone else can come up with a simile of equal caliber i'd sure like to hear it..

#7. PSYCHIC TENDENCIES: when i informed mr. houle that i was going to make a top 10 list about him..he said there was no way that i would be able to come up with the intended number of items on my list. he was right. excuse me while i bow down.

..renting princess jeff's tiara for the weekend,
lex

oh my god..you totally want my shit.

although today began with an olympic-caliber tumble off the top bunk and later followed with my bi-weekly (and quickly becoming dreaded) encounter with the heinous blonde bitch on wheels, today wasn't all too shabby. i even got a bonus crotch in the face..score!

i will preface this comment with the disclaimer that the following statement is very sincere and heartfelt..but don't get used to it. this is a one-time thing up in here: to everyone who imed me today to tell me that i am very funny, witty, and talented writer (there were several of you believe it or not)..THANK YOU because y'all were responsible for the sheepish grin plastered across my face for the better part of the afternoon. i know i may come off all cool and nonchalant most of the time(even though it's usually just lack of sleep or perhaps a nyquil hangover gone awry)..but right now i'll admit that i'm downright giddy and genuinely touched. what i'm basically trying to say is that you rock harder than an '80s hairband (pick one..they're all the same). end sincere and heartfelt statement. i'll be here all week. try the veal.

..always the modest one,
lex

ps..sorry for the lack of laughs today..sincerity and cynical humor just don't mesh.

the downfall of western edumikation and other assorted lameosities.

unless you are suffering from a premature case of alzheimer's..you may remember me saying that i probably hated you already, regardless of who you are. SWEET SASSY MOLASSEY that couldn't be more true today! if you're at all squeamish..you may want to leave your computer and hide in a dark corner now.

the first person/place/thing/general noun that i hate is college professors who treat you like you're still walking around in your huggies. bust this: in my lit class today, my professor, whom i will affectionately refer to from now on as "the heinous blonde bitch on wheels," (write that down for later reference) showed us a movie. i'm sure you are thinking "wow..she must be mad chill to do that on the second day of class"..and normally i would agree with you..but no NO. the only thing chill about this woman is the blood running through her veins. as the clock ticks closer and closer to the time we have to leave..people begin gathering up their respective belongings because..well we have lives that do NOT revolve around her class. most professors have come to expect and overlook this kind of thing..but the heinous blonde bitch on wheels (remember her? you should if you wrote it down!) actually turned around..put one finger up to her lips..and SSSSHHHHHHHHHHHed us. my mouth dropped and a you've-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me expression across my face. i was half expecting her to make us line up for individual spankings and then deny us dessert after that! tommy d was there too..and he can back me up when i say: who DOES that?!

moving on to the next people i would like to tie to a chair and beat with a hammer are spring break gym-whores. i myself am an avid gym goer and fitness class attendee. i have also grown to recognize the constipated faces and firm behinds..albeit drenched in sweat and stinking to high heavens..of other regulars..and take comfort in knowing that they too know the value of a good work out. we go to the gym or fitness class at our convenience..do our thing..and leave. this is something that we have been doing so since the dawn of time (a little exaggeration i know..but you get my point). all of a sudden..winter intersession is over and all of those familiar, sweaty faces that i have come to expect to see during my visits have been not replaced, but overshadowed (pun intended), by the whiny, fluffy, beer-gutted majority of the uconn population. these lumps, who probably haven't even said the word "gym" in their entire lives, have left their prominent ass-grooves on their futons and are now monopolizing the treadmills and ellipticals, the pilates mats and chisel weights, that rightfully belong to me and my fellow hard bodies. do me a favor: grab a bag of chips and a bowl of easy mac and take your cellulite elsewhere so i can return to my former life in peace.

the aforementioned shlubbs are the same people..or are at least descended from the same ancestral breed of shlubbs..who make rides on the good 'ol uconn shuttle amazingly similar to a guest appearance in a sardine can. don't get me wrong..i can understand that no one wants to freeze their huevos off in this weather..but if i have to wait patiently for "the shuttle that's coming in 2 minutes" then so can they. again..no NO. these people pack themselves in so tight that a) those of us fortunate enough to find a seat are frequently subjected to an intimate conversation with a stranger's crotch, b) they occupy all the seats..making vertically-challenged folk like myself reminiscent of barnum and bailey's trapeze artists dangling high above the crowd from one of those too-high-for-my-liking monkeybar/supposed handrail things, or c) there is absolutely nothing to hold onto at all so when the driver (whos license should have been revoked about 8567845769854 years ago) stops short you end up losing your balance and create a massive domino effect within the bus. THEN..after all that..they give you nasty-ass looks when they can't get off the hell ride fast enough. hahahahahaha..and FUCK YOU.

last on my list (for today anyway) are people who think they are sooooOOOOOOO much better than everyone else. scenario: i am bleeding from both eyes and have a compound fracture on my left fibula..and this person is all huffs and puffs that paramedics are fawning all over me and not paying attention to their hangnail or something. i'll make this brief: if i could vomit on every single person i have ever met who was like that i would be the poster girl for bulimia. someone stop these people from reproducing. IMMEDIATELY.

..officially spent,
lex

ps..BANG

we're friends, right? great..carry my baggage.

it's about 1:30 p.m. on a sunday..and i am awake and alert. there are so many things wrong with that statement.

so now that we are better acquainted (i'm assuming of course that you have read my last put-it-all-out-there-for-the-world-to-see post), i think it's high time that you become my shoulder. whether you like it or not i am going to be commenting on, obsessing about and venting anything and everything on my mind here several times a week. it's your choice to keep coming back to listen..but once you get a taste you'll be craving more (if that sounded at all raunchy it was probably intended that way). you're probably going to know things that my own mother is clueless about..and why wouldn't you? we've known each other for approximately 3.2 seconds. THAT..my nameless faceless confidante..is what i call a quality relationship.

this was the first official weekend back at the 'conn. since i'm the only out-of-stater in my crew, it was the first time i've been able to do some much needed catching up with some of my favorite people in the world. and what better way to that than over an obscene number of cocktails and recreational substances. ahhhhh the college life! whether it was the thought of classes that would be potentially ass-raping us throughout the semester or sketchball romantic interests that just weren't going the way we would have liked..after a few hours (even less for some..big ups to judy m!)..that was all forgotten. my good time was almost destroyed when some kid called me an insincere bitch because of a comment i made. i was about ready to put my fist through his face until i found out he was just a frosh. oh you..so much to learn..so little time to do it in before you get smacked upside your overly gel-styled head. needless to say..within minutes i was able to return to destroying my liver in peace.

after much careful consideration..i have concluded that it would not be a good idea for colombian supreme and i to be in charge of the future. we would have people doing some pretty fucked up shit purely for our amusement alone. possible ideas: making people really sit in their underwear during a presentation to put the speaker at ease instead of them just imagining it and having our text books shrunk down into microchips to be implanted into our brains..making the buy-back process quite similar to one of those slice-and-dicefests they broadcast on tlc. things that make ya go hmmmmmm..

in a related story..grab-ass is game that should go under olympic consideration. talk amongst yourselves.

..until next time,
lex