children of the 80s, unite!

two posts in two days?! i must be going MAD. mad..or bored..or horny as hell..take your pick..

do you guys remember mash? you know..mansion apartment shack house? that you and all your little friends used to cramp your fingers up feverishly writing at the lunch table..only to find out you would be married to harold with the stinky breath, have 43 children, drive a purple tricycle, and live in a shack in guadalajara? as we left , mash became shelved in the back of our tiny prepubescent minds, in between hypercolor t-shirts and jem..tear!

apparently though..someone was smart enough (or mad..or bored..or horny as hell..take your pick) to initiate the MASH COMEBACK! i kid you not..www.playmash.com is the ish. and if it is accurate (and why wouldn't it be seeing as though it was created by second graders?)..i am going to be married to the afrolicious philosophosophizer himself john raus (don't mess..he'll go brandon lee style on yo' ass!), have one kid, drive a yellow pony (and i don't mean mustang..but probably in dire need of an air-freshener), and live in a mansion in storrs, connecticut. this would of course mean that i would have to end my long-term relationship with my television set, a lively combination of tv and vcr..but it's for the best. mash has created me a life where i can look out into the backyard of my mansion in the busy and bustling town (laugh it up if ya know..shut it if ya don't) of storrs and see my one adorable and quick-witted child riding a yellow pony..and that child has a 'fro so big that it could potentially eclipse the sun. with tv, that dream could never be a reality..not even on cable. sorry tv..it's over. my people will be in touch.

so give it a go and revel in your childhood once more..however i am waiving all responsibility if you get stuck with harold. don't give me that look..i'll tell.

..all mashed up,
lex

tide can't help my mess of a life.

i'd been feeling a tad too cracker-like here at the 'conn (although i'm sure you are wondering just how that's possible with friends like mine)..so i thought it was high time to ghetto myself up. that's right kiddies..(dramatic pause)..i went home for the weekend.

even though the thought of my hometown has been known to cause the chunks to rise in my throat because of a select few ignorant assholes who shall remain nameless, i don't mind going home so much anymore. i can do my laundry for free (take that mac-gray!), get some quality eats courtesy of mama mattera, and have everyone fall all over themselves to appease me. in short (much like the collective height home on the range), my family rocks. don't be jealous. we'll adopt you.

that being said, i think that my washing machine and dryer are out to get me..for serious. every time i try to save a few bucks by bringing my laundry home, these devil appliances sense that i am taking business away from their quarter-filled counterparts back at the 'conn, have a quick intervention, and *mysteriously* something always gets ruined. first it was my blue sweater, which now is a wardrobe staple of my pygmy 12-year-old sister. then it was demise of, as big mike playfully calls them, my pink "hot pants" with a big black ink stain on the left bumcheek (thanks to the aforementioned pygmy 12 year old). which brings us to the most recent addition to the cute clothes cemetery: my monster slippers. one minute, silky smooth..the next, a-callin' for some afro sheen. please observe a moment of silence.

aaaaaaaaaaaaand done.

so guys at uconn are really gross. i just wanna put that out there. before y'all get all up in arms about it, i'll give you my reasoning. not all uconn guys are skeezy mofos..just those with the staring problems and enormous rods that have been confined to the gym since the beginning of the semester. a new addition to my workout routine (which has FINALLY gotten back to normal after the spring break gym whores returned to their ass-grooved futons, d.p. dough in hand..and i'll bet all over their faces) has been doing laps in the pool instead of on the track a few times a week. just so happens that the pool is located smack dibbity-dab in the middle of the gym, in full view for treadmill enthusiasts and iron-pumping 'roid-heads alike. i SWEAR..it's like these people have never seen a soaking wet, bathing suit clad gal with a bangin' ass in their entire lives. and contrary to popular beliefs, having about 84758465 pairs of eyes boring holes into your speedo isn't the most pleasant feeling. if i want to feel like a piece of meat, i'll go to the outback. gentlemen..you are truly "upstanding"..now watch out before you drop a dumbbell and render yourself useless in the baby-making process. it's for your own good.

one more thing before i call it a night (aka park it on the couch and veg like it's my J-O-B), i am NOT INTERESTED in "adding a few inches to my penis." hey internet porn industry, grey's anatomy called. girls don't have penises..except for hilary swank. make a mental note.

..wondering if anyone else feels like a steak right now,
lex

i think i could possibly have rage issues.

dammit dammit DAMMIT..oh yeah..and hello.

i'm annoyed right now. i'm sure you are thinking "what else is new..there is ALWAYS something pissing you off!" while you are correct in that aspect..well..you're right. i really can't think of a single instance when i haven't been heated over something in recent months. maybe it's true: i'm just a bitter bitch who needs to get laid. discuss amongst yourselves. diagrams, charts, and other assorted graphic aids are encouraged.

the weekend is practically my only downtime this semester given my crazy-ass educational commitments. it's my time to kick back, relax, and wake up from an alcohol induced slumber on saturday morning and question the events of the previous evening over the dining hall's only enjoyable feature: made-to-order omelets. that's what weekends are for in college for god's sake. professors though..they don't give a rat's ass about my well-being..hence the THREE TESTS i have next week..two of which are on one day..back-to-back. you people are an educated bunch..but you gotta talk to each other when scheduling exams that could make or break my grade point average. don't be shy.

if you didn't already know..motorola and verizon suck big balls. i think it's some kind of prerequisite if you are going to have a business that deals with wireless communication..or dealing with people in general. so my phone charger mysteriously (read: sabotage) broke..and of COURSE the phone i have, which looks like one of those toy cell phones that candy comes in, was only manufactured for about 5.4 seconds. so now i have to shovel the civic out of a heap of snow that probably quadruples me in size and mass, drive to the mall, and deal with some "friendly customer service technician" (aka asshole with a headset) to get a whole new phone with money that i just don't have at the moment. just out of curiosity, would it be so wrong to bust out the judo-chops on these mofos? yeah..i thought not.

have you ever walked in on two people copulating? i almost did..and it was just as emotionally scarring as getting picked last in gym class..after the fat kid with asthma and the kid w tape on his glasses..not to mention the paraplegic and dracula (never happened..i swear).

the fact that i totally beat the crap out of my cold is keeping me in high spirits. i would like to thank the lovely people at tylenol cold and sinus, the wonder that is the top bunk, trista and ryan, and the killer t cells of my immune system for my speedy recovery. i could not have done it without you.

..roughing up customer service reps like its my job and shielding my eyes before entering a room from this moment on,
lex

ps..yay for temperatures above -84758458475987 degrees..i saw grass today too, raus!

more things that make me feel pukey.

usually i'm not a big fan of pity parties. the lighting is bad, the food usually sucks (more on that later), and the atmosphere..well..people just seem like they'd rather be doing something..ANYTHING..else (sponge baths to the elderly come to mind for some reason..bygones). however..when your friends are the shit (aka don't smell and give you presents for no good reason other than the fact that they looooOOOOOve you unconditionally)..i say bring these parties on. to the remaining two-thirds of that crazy cult they call "triple A": you know how to cheer me up even when there is no misfortune of others in sight to cackle at..hearts! ps..you are both gayer than christmas.

i would also like to retract a statement from the previous entry that said oversized cards touted MAJOR vomit-potential. that is only true when there is no talk of my enviable abs and pantene pro-v commercial worthy strands or pictures of delicious boys in silk boxers. period.

so HOORAY for me..for i managed to escape v-day unscathed (maybe with an added 45874857094 calories or so and with a BONUS headcold *sniffle sniffle a-chooooOOO*..but who's counting?). quality time with mike weird-last-name over a seemingly endless box o' pizza and numerous cans of busch..oh sweet nectar of the gods (insert bitter beer face here). it's amazing how well two people can get along when their significant others are either in spain or invisible (guess which one is my love slave..shan't be too hard). at least moms sent me some yum-yum-yummy jelly bellys to suppress any and all urges to maintain a semi-normal eating routine. word to the (not-so) wise though: confusing cinnamon with very cherry is potentially lethal to your taste buds. rapid hand flapping and uncontrollable watering of the eyes will most likely ensue.

speaking of unpleasant tastes in my mouth..i'm so sick of uconn food. it's bad enough that you can actually see the laxatives stewing around in puddles atop most entrees, but the food itself (though supposedly prepared by professional culinary wizards, or as i realistically refer to as those who have passed "how to operate an ez-bake oven for dummies 101") is usually something that i wouldn't even subject my dog to eat (he's a ball of fur with principles and sophisticated tastes, after all). seriously..had i gotten sick last night, the thought of seeing the same slop i involuntarily consumed several hours earlier, arroz con pollo in reverse mind you, would have done some irreversible damage to my fragile psyche. aaaaaand scene.

..jonesing for some good chow and an economy-size box o' kleenex,
lex

this one goes out to all y'all.

note to all you obsessive freaks constantly checking this for an update: now is the time to escort children and elderly persons away from the computer in preparation for a bout with my pent-up, revere-style ghettoness. ready? ok..BACKUPOFFME..yo! i well aware that i've been one lazy mofo with the entries as of late..but between getting repeatedly plowed in the ass by each and every one of my classes, staying faithful to my television commitments (prime-time waits for NO ONE!) and sponsoring 8345876 starving children in ecuador (haha just kidding..y'all know i hate kids), i've been what the spaniards call "mucho too-busy-for-you-o". that's my story and i'm stickin' to it. any further comments should be immediately forwarded to shutupyousuck@eatmyass.org.

before we get into any current events and other assorted pressing issues (i.e., war, economics, my sweet, sweet ass..), i just want to give some people/places/inanimate objects the props that are rightfully theirs: JEFF FARREN for picking up right where we left off many, many moons ago..you are still one funny bastard and i miss you quite much..tear!, JESSE ALEXANDER "THE GREAT" for making me giggle like a schoolgirl whilst hearing his escapades of epic (and ethnic) proportions in the wonderful (?) world of engineering, DEVEN JESUS SMITH-CLARKE for making it perfectly acceptable to include children, en fuego, in any and all works of literature, THE AMAZING JOHN RAUS for spreading the good word that is my acid-tongued social commentary to the good folks up at the cross, JA REMS for having the uncanny ability to make the dance floor his bitch all night long, JOE MILLIONAIRE for being a massive tool and continuing his i-can't-help-but-watch-15-minutes-of-fame-reality-crapfest for yet another week, FRUIT SNACKS for being so deliciously addictive, and THE CREATORS OF CLONE HIGH USA for producing the most hysterical show circulating the airwaves at the moment (talking peanuts, dinghies galore, and robots who go "bee-boo-beep" and call everyone "wesleeeeeeeey"..how can you go wrong?!). i would also like to thank J. ANDREA MARTINEZ for tackling me terry tate-style into a seemingly bottomless snowbank and almost breaking my tailbone 2 days ago. seriously ang..i really would like to thank you..but that's not an option, given the fact that i would like nothing more than to downsize your face with a shovel as punishment for your erratic actions. with regards..

if you haven't noticed, valentine's day and all of its plastic, commercialized glory is upon us. flowers and candy and an oversized card that says "i wuv you thiiiiiiiiis much"..for MOI? sorry sally/jesse/raphael..i don't think so. hey you in the back..yeah you with the hairy knuckles and backwards toupee..if it's not too much trouble can you hand me a garbage can so i can blow some serious chunks? thanks ma'am..much appreciated..you're a doll. i mean if you gots someone to love then by ALL MEANS love them..all night long..over and over and over again (ps..i hate you and wish numerous venereal diseases upon you and yours)..but my plans for the evening will most likely involve me sitting around in my purple paul frank underoos and inhaling an entire pizza all by myself. mama would be so proud..i always was quite the little glutton (if you haven't seen my baby picture where i look like slimer covered in brownish mush with no plate in sight, just let me know and i'll send it your way..because i think it's pretty obvious at this point that i haven't a single, solitary shred of shame left..so BRING IT)!

i am a nice gal..unless poked, prodded, or spoken to on a day ending in "y". you give me what i want and you don't end up looking like the chump that you probably are for all to see. that being said..if by any chance your name is wayne and you are a delivery guy from wings..i am going to deliver (free of charge!) some crazy bruce lee moves to your cranium if we ever meet. this waste of space had the nerve to accuse me..ME..of screwing up all of his deliveries when in actuality all i did was answer a ringing phone and school him on the differences between "hall" and "inn" (hall = where his minimum-wage-making-tips-encouraged ass should be..inn = where his incompetent-no-way-in-hell-are-you-getting-paid keister could then be found) curb the 'tude dude..or i'll curb your face. ummmm..yeah. you've been warned.

one final note..what the FUCK with this never ending deluge of snow?! this is THE reason why i am moving to fiji to pursue a lucrative career in spear-fishing with the help of my uconn journalism degree. plus..if you had the excuse to wear a snazzy loincloth and coconut bra on any day other than casual friday you know you'd be all over it too..

..waiting for the excuse to kick some ass,
lex

definitely not sushi-grade.

ever since i was little, there has almost always been some kind of pet in my house. whether it was a big, dumb, loveable mutt, a schitzo cat that is constantly trying to escape, a silly spitz who likes to terrorize the laundry pile, or the most boring turtle on the planet..there was always something to play with when i wasn't too busy making my siblings' lives a living hell (what are older sisters FOR after all?).

now that i'm at school with nothing to comfort me but my computer and cat-dog (yeah..i need a boyfriend..REAL bad) i tend to get rather bored. then it hit me (cue lightbulb over my head): i'll get a fish! enter fluffy guy mattera..a cool little fish with an enormous head. SURE he was slimy to the touch and had the potential to develop somewhat of an odor..at least it was something to amuse me from time to time. the key word here is was..because the damn thing DIED like 3 hours after i got it. he was all belly up in his little jar this morning..and come to think of it..he looked extra dead..like he was rubbing it in my face that i was a horrible mother or something (on a side note: i am now discouraged from spawning offspring..until forever). he should have just eaten his food like a big boy and maybe..just maybe the little bugger would still be a-flippin' and a-floppin'..still not knowing what the hell was going on. OH the good ol' day! that's the first and last time i trust wal-mart to sell me a quality product. rip fluffy guy..we barely knew yee..

as if that unfortunate loss wasn't enough (give me 3 to 5 days to recover..or 3 to 5 beers to dull the pain..whichever you prefer)..uconn parking services finally outfoxed me (don't worry..i didn't think it could be done either..gold star for them). in the middle of sociology today i screamed out (and by screamed i clearly mean loudly whispered in a voice that would have made felicity, noel, AND ben proud) "ahhhhh SHIT!"..remembering that i had forgotten to move my car from the lot near my building..the lot restricted for professors, RAs, and of course any and all visiting dignitaries..not me though..NEVER ME! *cue violins and one lone tear on my left cheek* them uconn officers..they're VULTURES i tell you! the time on that ticket was 6:16..A.M! i was still doin some serious sleepies (quality dream by the way..i got some action..and if you know of my current drought at all you can be CERTAIN that it was indeed a dream..grr). all this time i thought the po po was all about coffee and donuts..but they are really just out for blood..and a little cash too i guess. oh i'll get you fake police..and your little computerized ticket writer too..whahahahaha!

for some reason i thought that last comment would read in a maniacally threatening way. i was wrong. i sounded like the big dork that i am. oh..the humanity..

one final note before i go on my merry way: just because i did a top 10 (ok..top 7) list about jeff houle DOES NOT MEAN that i can do one for everyone who asks! you hearin' me, ese? and THAT regis..is my *final* answer..

..in need of a hug,
lex

*final is so permanent. how about you give me $6.87, a bag of gummi bears, and a lap dance by a midget dressed as a unicorn and we have ourselves a deal? i'm sure we can work something out..i'm flexible (in business negotiations of course..but let your imagination go for a second..ok stop)..

letterman gots nuthin' on me.

good evening all..and welcome to another episode of masterpiece theater..umm..errrr..what? come now..you know i would never subject you..my cherished readers..to such rubbish..but while we're on the subject..why oh WHY do the english insist on spelling words like "theater" and "center" with an -re instead of an -er..and don't even get me STARTED on that -our crap. say it with me QE2: fav-OR-ite..col-OR. you can do it ol' gal! for serious though..just because the language is named after that little country of theirs doesn't mean they can forgo any and all simple rules of spelling and grammar..but i digress. i guess it's like that whole tootsie pop licking deal: the world may never know. but if by chance it asks..those limey bastards can kiss me arse..o fo sho.

moving right along into our regularly scheduled idiocy..i have a friend named jeff houle (pronounced hoooooooooooool..be sure to enunciate each individual O). after spending an OBSCENE amount of time confined in the civic with him this weekend..i can say with 97.64 percent accuracy that he is quite possibly one of the best people i have ever met, talked to, or inappropriately felt up on in my entire life. there are so many things about the wonder that is jeff that i've come to know and love..and god dammit..these are things that you too should have the opportunity to experience as well. ladies, gentlemen and 3-toed sloths worldwide, i bestow upon you with great flourish: 10 THINGS (or however many i can think of) THAT I HEART ABOUT JEFF HOULE.

#1. THE SMILE: i swear to the buddy christ that this boy could be wearing a burlap sack, striped legwarmers, and a paisley-print neckerchief and he would still look like about 7585863475864357464 bucks because of his pearly, pearly whites. even after a heinous accident involving alcohol, a telephone, and a slipperoo off his place of slumber..he's STILL recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists and unanimously approved by the american dental association.

#2. HE'S A TOOL: jeff is not a tool in the derogatory sense (see prick, asshole, et al)..but he did fix a shelf for me once..with a hammer. so technically he is a tool afficionado..a toolman if you will..a regular tim taylor minus the bearded, flannel wearing sidekick. did you know that he built his own shed? well he did..with lots of tools..some even battery operated. better snatch him up fast ladies..he's the catch of the day!

#3. CONSTANT DENIAL OF HIS WHITENESS: regardless of what he may tell you, jeff houle is pretty damn white. but do you think that he lets a little thing like enthnicity doesn't get him down? HELLLLLLLLLLS no! he wears his pants so low that everyone knows what color undies he's sportin' that day (i think they were gray boxer briefs today..), his favorite movie is "baby boy," and he describes any song or band that doesn't mention slapping bitches or bustin' caps as "cracker music." and if we ever get married he suggested that our wedding song be "we right here" by dmx. yeah..i'm not playin'.

#4. S.B's: s.b's are both snuggle buddies and sweater buddies. although we have never officially tested these waters, jeff and i have agreed on several occasions that we would be good snuggle buddies (just sleeping..get your mind out of the gutter!) because we don't hog the entire bed, snore, or steal blankets like some people do. we also don't have bed-wetting tendencies..anymore. sweater buddies was created one night when we both wore similar sweaters to a party one night. of COURSE he looked better in his than i did in mine..grrrRRRRR way to show me up dude! i must, i must, i must increase my bust..

#5. HIS "ROYAL" ALTER-EGO: here's the scenario..it's a friday night and you have plans with a group of your friends..and one of these friends is jeff. the estimated time of departure for the evening's festivities is 8pm..but because of jeff's obsessive primping and grooming routine, you don't get out the door until roughly 1:45am. these beautification methods of epic proportions have earned jeff the title of "princess jeff" and are known far and wide by many of his royal subjects. tiara rentals available by appointment only.

#6. METAPHORICAL REFERENCES INVOLVING CHEESE: while cheese may be just a common deli topping to most people..jeff wields this lactose-infused wonder product in other astonishing ways. case in point: my sarcasm. i was once told that my weapon of choice loses its edge as the hours go by. jeff begs to differ, insisting that my wit is "sharp like the finest cheddar at any hour." if anyone else can come up with a simile of equal caliber i'd sure like to hear it..

#7. PSYCHIC TENDENCIES: when i informed mr. houle that i was going to make a top 10 list about him..he said there was no way that i would be able to come up with the intended number of items on my list. he was right. excuse me while i bow down.

..renting princess jeff's tiara for the weekend,
lex