unless you are suffering from a premature case of alzheimer's..you may remember me saying that i probably hated you already, regardless of who you are. SWEET SASSY MOLASSEY that couldn't be more true today! if you're at all squeamish..you may want to leave your computer and hide in a dark corner now.
the first person/place/thing/general noun that i hate is college professors who treat you like you're still walking around in your huggies. bust this: in my lit class today, my professor, whom i will affectionately refer to from now on as "the heinous blonde bitch on wheels," (write that down for later reference) showed us a movie. i'm sure you are thinking "wow..she must be mad chill to do that on the second day of class"..and normally i would agree with you..but no NO. the only thing chill about this woman is the blood running through her veins. as the clock ticks closer and closer to the time we have to leave..people begin gathering up their respective belongings because..well we have lives that do NOT revolve around her class. most professors have come to expect and overlook this kind of thing..but the heinous blonde bitch on wheels (remember her? you should if you wrote it down!) actually turned around..put one finger up to her lips..and SSSSHHHHHHHHHHHed us. my mouth dropped and a you've-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me expression across my face. i was half expecting her to make us line up for individual spankings and then deny us dessert after that! tommy d was there too..and he can back me up when i say: who DOES that?!
moving on to the next people i would like to tie to a chair and beat with a hammer are spring break gym-whores. i myself am an avid gym goer and fitness class attendee. i have also grown to recognize the constipated faces and firm behinds..albeit drenched in sweat and stinking to high heavens..of other regulars..and take comfort in knowing that they too know the value of a good work out. we go to the gym or fitness class at our convenience..do our thing..and leave. this is something that we have been doing so since the dawn of time (a little exaggeration i know..but you get my point). all of a sudden..winter intersession is over and all of those familiar, sweaty faces that i have come to expect to see during my visits have been not replaced, but overshadowed (pun intended), by the whiny, fluffy, beer-gutted majority of the uconn population. these lumps, who probably haven't even said the word "gym" in their entire lives, have left their prominent ass-grooves on their futons and are now monopolizing the treadmills and ellipticals, the pilates mats and chisel weights, that rightfully belong to me and my fellow hard bodies. do me a favor: grab a bag of chips and a bowl of easy mac and take your cellulite elsewhere so i can return to my former life in peace.
the aforementioned shlubbs are the same people..or are at least descended from the same ancestral breed of shlubbs..who make rides on the good 'ol uconn shuttle amazingly similar to a guest appearance in a sardine can. don't get me wrong..i can understand that no one wants to freeze their huevos off in this weather..but if i have to wait patiently for "the shuttle that's coming in 2 minutes" then so can they. again..no NO. these people pack themselves in so tight that a) those of us fortunate enough to find a seat are frequently subjected to an intimate conversation with a stranger's crotch, b) they occupy all the seats..making vertically-challenged folk like myself reminiscent of barnum and bailey's trapeze artists dangling high above the crowd from one of those too-high-for-my-liking monkeybar/supposed handrail things, or c) there is absolutely nothing to hold onto at all so when the driver (whos license should have been revoked about 8567845769854 years ago) stops short you end up losing your balance and create a massive domino effect within the bus. THEN..after all that..they give you nasty-ass looks when they can't get off the hell ride fast enough. hahahahahaha..and FUCK YOU.
last on my list (for today anyway) are people who think they are sooooOOOOOOO much better than everyone else. scenario: i am bleeding from both eyes and have a compound fracture on my left fibula..and this person is all huffs and puffs that paramedics are fawning all over me and not paying attention to their hangnail or something. i'll make this brief: if i could vomit on every single person i have ever met who was like that i would be the poster girl for bulimia. someone stop these people from reproducing. IMMEDIATELY.
..officially spent,
lex
ps..BANG