snoozebars, snowfall and stds..oh MY.

if i went outside right now and just stood there, within approximately 4.3 seconds, all 5 foot 2 of me (stop laughing..that's my real height..on a good day..meaning today i am closer to 3' 7"..) would be completely covered with a semi-thick layer of snow. god really needs to start using head and shoulders..cuz these flakes are the size of carpet squares (remember those?! naptime rules!).

after a slapfest with my snooze bar that lasted close to 45 minutes (not even close to my previously set record of 3 hours and 17 minutes but whatev), i rolled over and mumbled to my roomie, "hey can i see that stupid article for.." those 8 words were all that i said..because it was only then that i realized that my roommate (and the stupid article) were nowhere to be found. so yeah..i was talking to myself. please bust out the straight jacket and escort me to a padded cell as soon as possible.

on tuesdays and thursdays, i have about an hour between women's studies and lit class, so i usually come back to the dorm, grab some grub, and veg for a while until i have to get back on the shuttle and ship off to heinous blond bitch on wheels 127..i mean english. as i mentioned earlier (just scroll up if the ahlzies is kickin' in), the white stuff was coming down pretty heavy and i was debating whether or not to subject myself to the elements just to learn a few useless facts that would be erased from my memory as soon as the tv is flipped on later. i DO have a midterm on tuesday in lit, so i said to myself, "self..you really should go to class..even though a mere glimpse of your teacher could turn you to stone." being the ever conscientious student i am (again, stifle the laughter), i pack up my "learning appliances" (i.e., backpack, notebook, juicebox, rice krispie treat, etc) and trek my sweet ass downstairs and onto the shuttle. we were in i-lot when the loud girl on the cell phone (there's always one) announced to the entire shuttle that classes from 12:30 on were cancelled because of the weather, prompting everyone and their mother, brother, and second cousin's hamster to whip out their respective wireless devices and call anyone who could potentially be effected by this revelation. of course i'm doing the happy dance because i don't have class..but i am too far from my dorm to walk back without risking losing a limb from frostbite. so i did what any self-respecting, lazy-ass, i'd-rather-be-sleeping college student would do: take the shuttle all the way back around campus back to the dorm, where a pair of sweatpants and spongebob blanket were anxiously awaiting my return. the problem was (now try to contain your surprise) everyone else (and their mother, brother, and second cousin's hamster) had the same damn idea. lots of inappropriate closeness and crotches to the facial region ensued.

i may have a slight (ok..excessive) tendency to think the worst of people..but when people deserve their props..i give 'em. in the closing moments of the longest shuttle ride in modern history, where people were packed in so tightly that several restraining orders were implemented upon departure, several of my fellow shuttle buddies kept me laughing so hard my eyes started to tear. anecdote worthy of repeating: "hey..what if this was a friday night and we were all cocked as hell? that would be awesome." the mental picture in itself was enough that the sheer thought of it now is still making me giggle.

in a related story, i would like to express my sincere gratitude to judy m for honoring my request to have a sharp object ready for me to jab into my eye upon my return to the dorm. a graphic depiction will be displayed on the whiteboard until for-ev-er.

i would also like to inform those who expressed concern (aka my moms) that since my last post, i have yet to encounter another slipperooo. the plastic bubble has since been moved into the abandoned warehouse where all stupid and short-lived ideas i have had since age fetus now reside in useless peace and harmony.

apparently, there is a chlamydia epidemic sweeping the population of downtown storrs. shield your genitals kiddies..this could get messy. also, ewwwwwwwwwwww.

..off to make snow angels and stock up on contraceptives,
lex

i am the mayor of pain.

i fell thrice times in under 24 hours. i should be outlawed from walking and quarantined to a plastic bubble for the remainder of my existence.

..in dire need of a full-body bandage,
lex

a fringed leather jacket would have made this day perfection.

i'm attempting to think of an analogy to accurately describe my current state of being..and all that seems to fit is UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. to quote the man, the myth, the legend jesse chisholm: "i feel like a big bag of mess..and i don't think i like it."

picture the carefree antics and wild shenanigans of one mr. ferris bueller on his very famous day off. and seeing as though it was on approximately 845874857 times on friday (big ups to the new TNN) and i am now even more well versed in everything bueller, i can conclude beyond a shadow of a doubt that my day was the exact polar opposite of that. join me, will you, for a quick trip down memory lane.

so i wake up rockin' a pretty lethal hangover (no need to lick my palms here..this was for serious) and realize very quickly that i have to move the civic (not a ferrari california that i never drive, but instead rub with a diaper) from x-lot and gas it up, the least i could do for it after the obscene amount of driving i did this weekend (driving? in a car? who DOES that?). so me and jeff (my very own version of cameron frye) scamper down the hill in the torrential rain (it never rained on ferris..jeanie maybe..but never ferris), hop in the civic, and start it up. now is the time where i will dazzle y'all with my impression of what my car then did just to bust my nonexistent balls (although it would be better if this could be done, in song, atop a parade float in downtown chicago): sputter-sputter-eeee-eeee-eeee-shakey-shakey-haha-lex-this-is-what-you-get-i-hate-you-peace-out-mofo-kersplat-caput-stall. so of course i did the only logical thing i could think of: scream forever and go into a catatonic trance that could only be remedied by falling off a diving board.

when once again able to function properly, i called the roomie (definitely playing the role of "mom") and she picks my, by that point, completely drenched self up and we go to the gas station to revive poor, poor blue. the attendant, strangely reminiscent of one of the sketchy guys at the parking garage..accent and all, hooks me up with one of those little red emergency gas caddies. i once again scamper back outside and we zoom back to x-lot (cue star wars music and slow-mo video footage) where i proceeded to dribble gas all over my frostbitten hands whilst trying to quench the thirsty tank. after i was done (read: 7 years later), me and ol' blue zipped back to the gas station for round 2 with the sketchball foreign guy. i filled my tank, got even more soaked by the subsiding rain, and peaced out of the piece like it was my job.

i would have gotten away with this whole thing scot-free..if my moms (mr. rooney for SURE) asked me the inevitable question "so honey..how is your car running?". what i should have done was ask her to make me some soup and then squeal in satisfaction, but i elected to tell her the whole damn story, and was once again made privy to the fact that honesty isn't always the best policy..because my ass got screamed at for a good 5 minutes about "responsibility" and what a "dumbass" i was for "letting it go too far" because "the e is there for a reason." and all this time i thought it was just for decoration. excuse me while i blush and grin sheepishly.

and THAT, my friends, is the crapfest that is my life. i will gladly accept your sympathy..in addition to cash, check, and all major credit cards.

..pucker up buttercup,
lex