note to all you obsessive freaks constantly checking this for an update: now is the time to escort children and elderly persons away from the computer in preparation for a bout with my pent-up, revere-style ghettoness. ready? ok..BACKUPOFFME..yo! i well aware that i've been one lazy mofo with the entries as of late..but between getting repeatedly plowed in the ass by each and every one of my classes, staying faithful to my television commitments (prime-time waits for NO ONE!) and sponsoring 8345876 starving children in ecuador (haha just kidding..y'all know i hate kids), i've been what the spaniards call "mucho too-busy-for-you-o". that's my story and i'm stickin' to it. any further comments should be immediately forwarded to shutupyousuck@eatmyass.org.
before we get into any current events and other assorted pressing issues (i.e., war, economics, my sweet, sweet ass..), i just want to give some people/places/inanimate objects the props that are rightfully theirs: JEFF FARREN for picking up right where we left off many, many moons ago..you are still one funny bastard and i miss you quite much..tear!, JESSE ALEXANDER "THE GREAT" for making me giggle like a schoolgirl whilst hearing his escapades of epic (and ethnic) proportions in the wonderful (?) world of engineering, DEVEN JESUS SMITH-CLARKE for making it perfectly acceptable to include children, en fuego, in any and all works of literature, THE AMAZING JOHN RAUS for spreading the good word that is my acid-tongued social commentary to the good folks up at the cross, JA REMS for having the uncanny ability to make the dance floor his bitch all night long, JOE MILLIONAIRE for being a massive tool and continuing his i-can't-help-but-watch-15-minutes-of-fame-reality-crapfest for yet another week, FRUIT SNACKS for being so deliciously addictive, and THE CREATORS OF CLONE HIGH USA for producing the most hysterical show circulating the airwaves at the moment (talking peanuts, dinghies galore, and robots who go "bee-boo-beep" and call everyone "wesleeeeeeeey"..how can you go wrong?!). i would also like to thank J. ANDREA MARTINEZ for tackling me terry tate-style into a seemingly bottomless snowbank and almost breaking my tailbone 2 days ago. seriously ang..i really would like to thank you..but that's not an option, given the fact that i would like nothing more than to downsize your face with a shovel as punishment for your erratic actions. with regards..
if you haven't noticed, valentine's day and all of its plastic, commercialized glory is upon us. flowers and candy and an oversized card that says "i wuv you thiiiiiiiiis much"..for MOI? sorry sally/jesse/raphael..i don't think so. hey you in the back..yeah you with the hairy knuckles and backwards toupee..if it's not too much trouble can you hand me a garbage can so i can blow some serious chunks? thanks ma'am..much appreciated..you're a doll. i mean if you gots someone to love then by ALL MEANS love them..all night long..over and over and over again (ps..i hate you and wish numerous venereal diseases upon you and yours)..but my plans for the evening will most likely involve me sitting around in my purple paul frank underoos and inhaling an entire pizza all by myself. mama would be so proud..i always was quite the little glutton (if you haven't seen my baby picture where i look like slimer covered in brownish mush with no plate in sight, just let me know and i'll send it your way..because i think it's pretty obvious at this point that i haven't a single, solitary shred of shame left..so BRING IT)!
i am a nice gal..unless poked, prodded, or spoken to on a day ending in "y". you give me what i want and you don't end up looking like the chump that you probably are for all to see. that being said..if by any chance your name is wayne and you are a delivery guy from wings..i am going to deliver (free of charge!) some crazy bruce lee moves to your cranium if we ever meet. this waste of space had the nerve to accuse me..ME..of screwing up all of his deliveries when in actuality all i did was answer a ringing phone and school him on the differences between "hall" and "inn" (hall = where his minimum-wage-making-tips-encouraged ass should be..inn = where his incompetent-no-way-in-hell-are-you-getting-paid keister could then be found) curb the 'tude dude..or i'll curb your face. ummmm..yeah. you've been warned.
one final note..what the FUCK with this never ending deluge of snow?! this is THE reason why i am moving to fiji to pursue a lucrative career in spear-fishing with the help of my uconn journalism degree. plus..if you had the excuse to wear a snazzy loincloth and coconut bra on any day other than casual friday you know you'd be all over it too..
..waiting for the excuse to kick some ass,
lex
before we get into any current events and other assorted pressing issues (i.e., war, economics, my sweet, sweet ass..), i just want to give some people/places/inanimate objects the props that are rightfully theirs: JEFF FARREN for picking up right where we left off many, many moons ago..you are still one funny bastard and i miss you quite much..tear!, JESSE ALEXANDER "THE GREAT" for making me giggle like a schoolgirl whilst hearing his escapades of epic (and ethnic) proportions in the wonderful (?) world of engineering, DEVEN JESUS SMITH-CLARKE for making it perfectly acceptable to include children, en fuego, in any and all works of literature, THE AMAZING JOHN RAUS for spreading the good word that is my acid-tongued social commentary to the good folks up at the cross, JA REMS for having the uncanny ability to make the dance floor his bitch all night long, JOE MILLIONAIRE for being a massive tool and continuing his i-can't-help-but-watch-15-minutes-of-fame-reality-crapfest for yet another week, FRUIT SNACKS for being so deliciously addictive, and THE CREATORS OF CLONE HIGH USA for producing the most hysterical show circulating the airwaves at the moment (talking peanuts, dinghies galore, and robots who go "bee-boo-beep" and call everyone "wesleeeeeeeey"..how can you go wrong?!). i would also like to thank J. ANDREA MARTINEZ for tackling me terry tate-style into a seemingly bottomless snowbank and almost breaking my tailbone 2 days ago. seriously ang..i really would like to thank you..but that's not an option, given the fact that i would like nothing more than to downsize your face with a shovel as punishment for your erratic actions. with regards..
if you haven't noticed, valentine's day and all of its plastic, commercialized glory is upon us. flowers and candy and an oversized card that says "i wuv you thiiiiiiiiis much"..for MOI? sorry sally/jesse/raphael..i don't think so. hey you in the back..yeah you with the hairy knuckles and backwards toupee..if it's not too much trouble can you hand me a garbage can so i can blow some serious chunks? thanks ma'am..much appreciated..you're a doll. i mean if you gots someone to love then by ALL MEANS love them..all night long..over and over and over again (ps..i hate you and wish numerous venereal diseases upon you and yours)..but my plans for the evening will most likely involve me sitting around in my purple paul frank underoos and inhaling an entire pizza all by myself. mama would be so proud..i always was quite the little glutton (if you haven't seen my baby picture where i look like slimer covered in brownish mush with no plate in sight, just let me know and i'll send it your way..because i think it's pretty obvious at this point that i haven't a single, solitary shred of shame left..so BRING IT)!
i am a nice gal..unless poked, prodded, or spoken to on a day ending in "y". you give me what i want and you don't end up looking like the chump that you probably are for all to see. that being said..if by any chance your name is wayne and you are a delivery guy from wings..i am going to deliver (free of charge!) some crazy bruce lee moves to your cranium if we ever meet. this waste of space had the nerve to accuse me..ME..of screwing up all of his deliveries when in actuality all i did was answer a ringing phone and school him on the differences between "hall" and "inn" (hall = where his minimum-wage-making-tips-encouraged ass should be..inn = where his incompetent-no-way-in-hell-are-you-getting-paid keister could then be found) curb the 'tude dude..or i'll curb your face. ummmm..yeah. you've been warned.
one final note..what the FUCK with this never ending deluge of snow?! this is THE reason why i am moving to fiji to pursue a lucrative career in spear-fishing with the help of my uconn journalism degree. plus..if you had the excuse to wear a snazzy loincloth and coconut bra on any day other than casual friday you know you'd be all over it too..
..waiting for the excuse to kick some ass,
lex